<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Prove I'm Brave by orphan_account</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24221524">Prove I'm Brave</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account'>orphan_account</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Bullying, F/M, Gay, Harry Potter AU, M/M, References to Depression, Unrequited Love</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 17:35:57</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,738</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24221524</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Snippets of the Fantastic Foursome at Hogwarts told through Chris' perspective.<br/>(I am aware that they aren't really a thing anymore I've just been bored in quarantine and watching old videos and I guess they sparked some inspiration in me).</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Chris Kendall/PJ Liguori, Dan Howell/Phil Lester, PJ Liguori/Sophie Newton</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. First Year</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This hasn't been edited or anything besides what Word has done. This is all just raw emotions that I wanted to get down which is why it's so choppy and jumps so much. I hope you guys enjoy despite that.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>11-year-old Chris Kendall sat in an empty compartment on the train, waiting for it to take off and take him to Hogwarts. He’d been dreaming of this day ever since he was a young boy. The day when he’d finally be allowed to stop attending his boring muggle school and do this. He sat against the window, elbow resting on the windowsill. There was no view yet, as they were still stuck in the station, but he could feel the anticipation building heavily in his stomach. He was so excited.</p>
<p>“Excuse me?” A voice interrupted him from his thoughts, and he turned away from the window to see where the voice had come from. A boy stood in the compartment doorway, trunk beside him. He looked hesitant to disturb Chris from his musings.</p>
<p>“Hi.” Chris smiled; this was his first chance to make a friend. He wasn’t even at school yet and the pressure was already on, but he knew he could do this.</p>
<p>“Everywhere else seems to be full and I don’t want to disturb you, but you’ve got a lot of space in here.” The boy pushed his glasses up his nose and Chris couldn’t help but chuckle. Of course he wouldn’t mind riding the train with this mystery boy.</p>
<p>“Come sit. My name’s Chris.” He held his hand out as the boy entered and sat across from him after putting his trunk away. The boy shook his hand with a firm grasp.</p>
<p>“PJ.” He smiled, sitting down across from Chris. Not only was the boy a complete mystery to him, but so was his name. PJ? What did it stand for? What did it mean? Where did he get it? Was it a fake name? He desperately wanted to know more. They immediately launched into a conversation about as many different topics as they could.</p>
<p>Chris learned that PJ was a muggleborn and that when he’d received his letter, he had been so shocked.<br/>
“My mom’s a witch. My dad’s a muggle. I was kind of expecting it.” He told PJ, who was immediately intrigued.</p>
<p>As the train was pulling out of the station, finally, the compartment door slid open again.</p>
<p>“Do you mind if we sit here?” Two boys stood awkwardly in the compartment door. Chris fought the urge to deny them, wanting to spend as much time as he possibly could with PJ and PJ alone.</p>
<p>“Yeah, come join us. My name’s PJ and this is my friend, Chris.” PJ was a lot more polite than Chris could ever be, if he’d spoken, he knew it would’ve just come out as rude or disappointed. The boy who’d asked if he and his friend could join them looked relieved.</p>
<p>“My name’s Phil, and this is my best friend Dan.” He told them as they walked into the compartment and shut the door closed behind them. Chris turned back to the window as Dan, Phil and PJ struck up a conversation about Hogwarts. Somehow, halfway through the train ride, PJ managed to drag him back into the conversation and before they’d even reached the gates of the castle, he realized he had not one, but three new friends. He couldn’t wait to start school.<br/>
~</p>
<p>Chris stood between Phil and PJ, nervously bumping shoulders with his two friends. Ever since he’d heard about the sorting ceremony, he’d been worried. What if he got put into a house without his friends? He’d still see them in classes, between classes and around the school but who would he hang out with in the common room? He could sense, though, that PJ was a hundred times more worried than him.<br/>
He shot his friend a comforting smile as the Professor called out another name to be sorted.</p>
<p>“Howell, Dan!” She called and Dan nervously stepped out of line from the other side of Phil. He stumbled up to the sorting hat, sitting on the stool that sat there as the hat was placed atop his head. Chris held his breath and he could feel PJ and Phil doing the same. They waited with bated breath for what felt like an entirety before the hat let out a shrill cry: “SLYTHERIN!”</p>
<p>The hat was lifted from Dan’s head and he once more stumbled in the direction of the cheering table. Chris watched him, heart dropping. There was no way he or PJ could be Slytherin’s.</p>
<p>“Kendall, Chris.” Before he knew it, it was his turn. He walked slowly, not wanting to stumble and make a fool of himself like Dan. He sat on the stool, closing his eyes as the hat was slid onto his head and over his eyes. The hat spoke to him, mumbled things about his personality that he’d never even thought of before. He listened, not daring to interrupt the hat’s thought process.</p>
<p>“GRYFFINDOR!” The hat cried and Chris leapt up, the hat being pulled from his head. He looked to Phil and PJ. They grinned at him, PJ gave him a thumbs up and he began to walk to his table, glancing back to see a worried expression on Dan’s face. He sat down at the Gryffindor table, amidst cheers and pats on the back. This school is really big on house pride, he thought.</p>
<p>Phil got sorted into Hufflepuff, much to Chris’ dismay and right after, it was PJ’s turn. Please let him be a Gryffindor, please let him be a Gryffindor, he begged. The silence as they waited for PJ’s sorting was deafening. Finally, the hat cried: “RAVENCLAW!” and that was the end of that. Chris watched his friend walk and sit down at the end of the Ravenclaw table. The rest of the sorting went by pretty fast; he ate and then they were whisked away to their dormitories.</p>
<p>~</p>
<p>Classes were just as Chris had imagined they’d be, definitely a thousand times more exciting than the muggle ones he’d been forced to attend by his muggle father. There was still a lot of homework to do, but Chris found it a lot easier to do homework now. All he had to do was schedule a study session with PJ, Dan and Phil and suddenly the workload didn’t seem to be that intense.</p>
<p>Dan was the outlier among his house, the only one who fraternized with people outside of Slytherin house. The more study sessions they had; the more Chris could tell the pressure from his housemates was wearing him down. There were bags forever etched under his dark brown eyes and he seemed less than keen to engage Chris in conversation, because everybody knows that Gryffindor and Slytherin are mortal enemies.<br/>
Chris tried not to let it bother him. It was nothing personal, he told himself. He still had PJ and Phil. Slowly, little by little, Dan stopped showing up to their group study sessions. By the end of their first year, Chris barely talked to him anymore. He saw him sometimes, walking down the halls with Phil or in classes, but he didn’t make the effort to reach out anymore.</p>
<p>Something told him he’d just be making things worse for Dan and that was the last thing he wanted.</p>
<p>~</p>
<p>On the train ride home, the four boys sat together once again. Dan looked better, happier. He acted as though the past 3 months had simply been a vacation or something of that sort. He talked and laughed and joked with Chris as if no time had passed. They didn’t talk about his breaks from the study sessions. They didn’t talk about their houses.</p>
<p>By the time they arrived back at King’s Cross station, Chris was convinced that the last few months had been some kind of weird fever dream that he was just now waking up from. He promised to write his new friends every day (especially PJ, who begged him until he had to give in) and walked across the platform to meet his parents.</p>
<p>“How was school?” His mother asked. He only faintly heard her, his attention focused on PJ, who had just walked across the platform to greet his own parents. He was clearly excitedly telling them everything he’d experienced during his first year at school.</p>
<p>“Fine. I made some friends.” Chris shrugged. His parents exchanged looks over his head. He pretended not to notice. They drove home and his favourite dinner was waiting for him on the table. He acted as though he was excited.</p>
<p>He was really good at pretending and acting. They just came naturally to him.</p>
<p>When his parents finally gave him permission to take his things up to his room, he climbed the stairs and flopped unceremoniously on his bed. Finally, he was somewhere he didn’t have to act or pretend. He broke down. It was the worst one he’d had in a while. His parents pretended not to hear him; it was less awkward that way.</p>
<p>When he was done and feigning off sleep, he began to write his first letter to PJ. Maybe he’d send it, maybe he wouldn’t. But he needed to think of something besides the dull ache of loneliness he was now feeling inside of him and a letter to a friend seemed the best way to do that.<br/>
He fell asleep, letter still in hand.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Second Year</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Summer seemed to go by slowly, time seemed to stand still. The only days Chris ever even got out of bed were the days when the family owl would return with a letter tied to his ankle. He would untie it, read who it was from. He loved reading PJ, Dan and Phil’s letters. Their lives were so exciting.</p>
<p>PJ was spending the summer with his family on a cruise ship somewhere. He seemed to really be enjoying it, but he always mentioned how much he missed Hogwarts somewhere in the letters and Chris liked to think that included him.</p>
<p>Dan and Phil’s families were close and the two of them were constantly over at each other’s house. They constantly extended their invitation, telling Chris he could come over whenever he wanted, even leaving their addresses in one of the letters. But Chris didn’t want to be an awkward third wheel, so he told his friends he was busy helping his family with chores and spending time with the neighbourhood kids.</p>
<p>In reality, he hated the neighbourhood kids, but there were some things his new friends didn’t need to know and one of those things was how weak and scared he really was.</p>
<p>He spent a lot of nights, curled up in bed, wondering why the Sorting Hat had decided to put him in Gryffindor. Gryffindor. The house of the brave. If anything, he belonged in Hufflepuff with Phil. He wasn’t brave. He wasn’t courageous. He didn’t deserve to wear the crest of the lion.</p>
<p>He ripped half of his school robes up that had the crest, disgusted by the thought of it. Which is how he ended up in Diagon Alley, a week before classes resumed, being measured for new Gryffindor robes.</p>
<p>His parents were seated in the front of the store, whispering. They did that a lot and he just knew they were talking about him. He pretended not to notice.</p>
<p>As they walked the winding streets of Diagon Alley, back up to the Leaky Cauldron and the safety of his own home, Chris couldn’t help but longingly look at all of the other students bustling around him. They probably never felt out of place in their houses. They probably knew exactly where they belonged.</p>
<p>He was so caught up in his thoughts, he didn’t even notice somebody had started walking beside him until they wrapped a friendly arm around his shoulders.<br/>
“Chris!” PJ laughed, pulling his friend into him. “I’ve been calling your name for ages! Are you here to pick up your books as well?”</p>
<p>Chris swallowed. “Uh no. My dad picked my books up for me a few weeks ago… I needed some new robes.” He hoped PJ wouldn’t ask why, it’s not like he’d grown a lot since last year. He probably wouldn’t hit his final growth spurt until somewhere between third and fourth year.</p>
<p>His friend chuckled. “Did you wear them all summer or something? Are they dirty? Mine too. I actually just got some new ones as well; I feel your pain. We both have brand new robes to return to Hogwarts in. Isn’t that nice?”</p>
<p>Chris smiled awkwardly. If only his friend knew the real reason, he’d needed new robes, he wouldn’t think it was as nice.</p>
<p>“Christopher! Are you coming?” His mom looked over her shoulder, realizing for the first time that her son was lagging behind. Chris flushed at the use of his full first name. He hated it.</p>
<p>“Guess you’re leaving then, huh? I’ll see you on the train though, right?” PJ asked, pulling his arm off of Chris’ shoulders. He could feel himself relax slightly, nodding to his friend.</p>
<p>“Yeah. Can’t wait to hear all about your cruise.” He lied and PJ beamed, waving to him as he followed his parents into the Leaky Cauldron and back out into the muggle world. He breathed a sigh of relief.</p>
<p>If his parents noticed his apprehension with PJ or his sigh of relief, they didn’t bring it up. The family headed home so Chris could finish his packing and get ready to leave the next week. He couldn’t wait.</p>
<p>~</p>
<p>Chris slung his trunk into the luggage spot, slumping down into the compartment seat and sighing. He looked out the window, knowing that soon his friends would rejoin him, and he wouldn’t have another peaceful moment like this until he was lying in his dormitory bed that night. He was excited to finally be returning to Hogwarts.</p>
<p>He wouldn’t have to listen to his parents hushed conversations, worry about the neighbourhood kids or freak out and rip half of his school uniform. It was easier to pretend your normal in a school where everybody is a little strange.</p>
<p>“Hello stranger.” PJ slid his luggage next to Chris’ and sat beside him on the compartment seats. “I got you something.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pin of a rocket ship, dropping it into Chris’ hand.</p>
<p>Chris admired the pin, fingers brushing over it for a moment. He looked up at PJ, slightly confused.</p>
<p>“I saw it in one of the gift shops and thought of you. It’s nothing special, you can throw it out if you don’t want it. I just thought it’d be a nice gift.” He shrugged, leaning back in his seat. Chris pocketed the pin, smiling and turning back to the window.</p>
<p>The compartment was silent for a bit.</p>
<p>“If you’re looking for goblins, I’m afraid you won’t find any out there. Sorry Chris.”<br/>
Chris was about to ask what on Earth he meant, but before he could, Dan and Phil joined their compartment. Dan shut the door behind them, drawing the privacy curtains. Chris felt a sinking feeling in his stomach as he remembered Dan withdrawing from their group last year. He probably didn’t want to be seen with him. He watched as his friends sat down and immediately engaged PJ in a discussion about his cruise, fascinated by all the muggle technologies. He returned to gazing out the window as the train pulled out of Platform 9 ¾. </p>
<p>~</p>
<p>This year, seeing as they were already sorted, they were able to go straight to their seats in order to watch the new first years be sorted into their houses. Chris spent the whole ceremony gazing across the Hall at PJ. The ceremony wasn’t anything he hadn’t seen or been through before, but watching PJ’s reactions to it? Now that was something new. He ate as fast as he could and retired early, climbing the stairs to Gryffindor tower two at a time. He’d overheard a prefect mention the password at dinner and he climbed through the portrait hole and up the stairs to his dormitory.</p>
<p>He crawled into bed before any of his housemates could join him. He needed the time away from everybody. He needed to think. About PJ. About Dan.</p>
<p>He tossed and turned, not getting much sleep at all. </p>
<p>~</p>
<p>The next day, his first day of classes, was brutal. He knew it would be as soon as he’d gotten his timetable for the year. Potions and Defense Against the Dark Arts on Mondays with the Slytherins. He knew Dan wasn’t going to want to sit with him either, which made him even more miserable as he walked into the dungeons, looking for a seat that hadn’t already been taken and wasn’t near a Slytherin.</p>
<p>As he walked to the back of the class, Dan caught his eye. He looked away almost as quickly as he’d caught it, leaving Chris with a feeling of unease. The rest of their classmates filed in and their professor arrived. Class went by as they usually did, slowly and boring. Not to mention, being trapped in the dungeons with the Slytherin’s gave Chris an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach.<br/>
When class was finally over, he stood, slinging his bag over his shoulder and trying to get out as quickly as he could.</p>
<p>“Hey, Kendall.” One of the Slytherin boys had called his name. He turned. He didn’t know the boy’s name, he didn’t really know anybody except Dan, Phil and PJ. Names were hard to remember, and he wanted to save his brain space for things that actually mattered to him.</p>
<p>The Slytherin’s were circling like sharks and Chris realized with a sudden jolt that their professor had long since left the room, probably to head to another class in another dungeon. He swallowed, trying to put on a brave front.</p>
<p>“H- Hey guys, we’re going to be late for Defense.” He smiled awkwardly, holding his hands out in a passive way. Dan was there too; he was leaning against the professor’s desk, but he was trying his hardest not to pay attention to Chris. Not to acknowledge his existence.</p>
<p>The Slytherin’s didn’t seem too bothered by the fact that they would be late for class, they reached for Chris and-</p>
<p>“Hey!” Chris stumbled back as the Slytherin’s froze looking up to see who’d spoken. Chris was relieved to see a fellow housemate, one of the boys from his dormitory standing there. </p>
<p>Without even a second glance back at Dan, he hurried to follow the boy, leaving the Slytherin’s alone in the classroom to comprehend what just happened on their own. Chris wanted to say thank you or apologize for causing a scene, but he didn’t want to disturb the other boy, so he remained quiet.</p>
<p>“I’m Felix. I came back to grab a quill I’d dropped and heard you struggling with the Slytherin’s.” He told Chris, holding a quill up. ”You’re Chris, right?” He asked, tucking the quill away.</p>
<p>“I am. Thanks for… Stopping them from whatever they were going to do to me.” He mumbled, tucking his hands in his uniform pocket. Felix grinned and began a conversation that Chris wasn’t paying attention to. There was too much blood rushing in his ears, he felt embarrassed but more than that, he felt angry.</p>
<p>Dan had been there the whole time. He could’ve done something, and he’d chosen not to. He’d chosen a bunch of bullies over one of his friends. How could he?</p>
<p>~</p>
<p>“You’re an arse, Dan Howell.” Chris, PJ and Phil were studying in the library, at a table in the back corner. Dan had just walked up to join them when Chris spoke, not even looking up from the Potions notes he was looking over. PJ and Phil exchanged looks.</p>
<p>It was a few days later and this was the first time Chris had brought up the situation on Monday, the first they’d all met together since it had happened. Dan sat down in the chair beside Phil, wincing slightly.</p>
<p>“Look, I’m sorry Chris. I really am. But you just don’t understand.” He opened his book, finding the page he needed and setting it down. Chris snorted. </p>
<p>“No. I understand perfectly well. What is it then, does it give you a sense of power to be a big bully?” He looked up from his notes at Dan sat across from him. The boy in question wrinkled his nose and put his quill down.</p>
<p>“No. It doesn’t. I just… You don’t understand how much fitting in means to me. They… They can really easily make life a living hell for me.” Dan mumbled.</p>
<p>Chris snapped his book shut. “So, you’d rather them make life a living hell for me? You’re lucky Felix stepped in and saved me. What were they going to do? Jinx me? Hex me? Or were they going for a more traditional approach? Were they going to break my nose?”<br/>
“Chris…”</p>
<p>“I don’t want to come to these study sessions anymore if he’s going to be here.” He told PJ and Phil as he got to his feet. The three other boys watched him pack his stuff into his book bag and sling it on his shoulder.</p>
<p>“Chris sit down… We can talk about this.” PJ insisted, although he was still clearly uncertain of what exactly had gone down between them. Chris scoffed.</p>
<p>“I don’t have anything else to say. I’m going to study in my common room. With somebody who doesn’t want to beat me up for popularity.” He spat and turned on his heel, walking out of the common room. It was the first time he’d ever stood up for himself. The first time he’d confronted somebody who wronged him. He climbed through the portrait hole back to the Gryffindor common room.</p>
<p>“Felix, can you help me with some class work?” And that was that. He didn’t need Dan or Phil… or PJ.</p>
<p>~</p>
<p>Their feud lasted most of the year. Dan tried to apologize many different times, in many different ways but Chris wasn’t having it. He stuck to Felix and his group of friends instead. They were like a safe haven for him.</p>
<p>The only reason he forgave Dan was PJ. He pulled him aside one day and told him how much this feud was eating up Dan, how much he missed him, how much he just wanted their group back together. Chris hated that, even though he’d tried to associate himself with new friends, PJ could still get him to do anything. There was just something about him that he couldn’t quite describe.</p>
<p>He accepted Dan’s next apology. They rode the train home together and this time, Dan didn’t close the privacy curtains. He invited Chris over to his house for the summer, told him PJ and Phil would be there as well. Chris lied and said he was busy. They separated at the train station and he walked to where his parents were waiting for him to get off the train.</p>
<p>“How was this year?” His mother asked and he could feel the worry emanating from both of his parents. He shrugged his shoulders.</p>
<p>“It was better than last.” He lied. A sense of relief washed over his parents faces. </p>
<p>Sometimes lying is better than the truth, he decided.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Third Year</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Halfway through the summer, Chris decided he was bored of spending all his time alone in his room. He worked up the courage to ask his parents if he could stay at Dan’s house for a week or two before he had to return to school and they were thrilled by the idea. Chris thought their excitement was a bit rude, they were basically saying they were excited they wouldn’t have to deal with him for two weeks, but he knew deep down it wasn’t malicious. They were just grateful he wanted to do something besides lay in his bed or cry.</p>
<p>He packed all of his stuff into his trunk and they drove up to Dan’s place, Chris shifting awkwardly in the backseat for most of the ride. When they finally got there, he was a little more shocked than he should’ve been. Dan’s house was huge. He knew his friend was well off, but he hadn’t known exactly what that meant until it was quite literally staring him in the face. He climbed out of the car and was greeted by his friends waiting at the door. He dragged his trunk behind him, up the stairs to where they were waiting for him.</p>
<p>“I knew you’d change your mind.” PJ elbowed him as he walked into the big entrance way. If nothing else, this trip was worth it for that moment.</p>
<p>~</p>
<p>PJ and Chris shared a room. He had been offered his own room but the idea of sleeping alone reminded him too much of home. He asked PJ if he was okay with that. PJ didn’t seem to mind at all. The four boys stayed up late almost every night and woke up late everyday. It didn’t matter much after all; it was summer vacation.</p>
<p>“Chris, what’s this?” PJ asked one night, lifting a robe. Chris looked up from the textbook he was flipping through to see what his friend was talking about. He stood up.</p>
<p>“It’s one of my Hogwarts robes.” He snatched it away from the other boy, who didn’t seem too convinced.</p>
<p>“What’s with all the ripping around the crest?” The Ravenclaw prodded, watching Chris fold the robe and put it back in his trunk with his other things. Chris let out a sigh.</p>
<p>“It’s nothing, Peej… I just got upset last summer and tore up a bunch of my robes. I didn’t think I was very fit for Gryffindor. I still don’t. I mean, what does that old hat know about me that I don’t know. I’m a fake, PJ.” Chris told him, sitting down on the bed that his for the time he was visiting.</p>
<p>“You’re not a fake, Chris. You just haven’t found the courage in you yet. You will. It took a lot of bravery to stand up to Dan last year. You’re a lot braver than you give yourself credit for.” PJ sat down beside him on the bed. He wrapped an arm around his friend and the two sat there for a while. Chris wrapped up in his own thoughts, PJ worried about his friend.</p>
<p>~</p>
<p>Too soon they were back on the train headed back for another magical year at Hogwarts. Chris was looking forward to it but part of him wished they could stay at Dan’s forever. He and PJ had shared a moment, what he’d been sure was just a really good friendship before was now blossoming into something more. He definitely had a crush on his best friend. But he could never tell him that. Chris had never been the best with words, and he feared he would mess anything up before it even began. So, he remained silent. It was easier that way. For both of them.</p>
<p>The year came and went without much, excitement in between. Their library study sessions continued, though they were much more subdued now that Dan and Chris had fought the previous year. Eventually, Dan and Phil stopped showing up as often to them. By the end of the year, it was just PJ and Chris sitting together alone at a big table. They didn’t even bother to wait for the others anymore. There was no point. They never showed up.</p>
<p>By the time Chris was loading his trunk onto the train to end another successful year of schooling, he was all but certain that neither Dan nor Phil would be joining them in their yearly train ride tradition. But of course, he was wrong. They both showed up and the four of them laughed like nothing had ever happened. And if Dan sat a little bit closer to Phil than usual or Phil spent more time looking at Dan out of the corner of his eye, Chris pretended not to notice.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Fourth Year</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>That summer, he got tons of letters from all three of his friends, but he chose not to respond. He didn’t know why. He just couldn’t bring himself to get out of bed and write anything, he could barely pull himself out of bed to talk to his parents. Not even PJ’s letters sparked him with the usual joy and excitement he always got when he read them. He knew his friends would be worried, but he couldn’t bring himself to care.</p><p>He went for a walk a week before school started again, just to remind himself of what being outside was like. Some of the neighbourhood kids took it upon themselves to remind him who they were. Now, not only was he returning to Hogwarts having not written a letter to anyone all summer, but he would also be returning with a black eye and a cut lip. He wasn’t feeling brave or courageous as his parents dropped him off at the platform.</p><p>He dragged his trunk onto the train, ignoring everybody’s stares and found the gang’s usual compartment. As usual, he was the first one there. He tried to imagine all the lies he’d give his friends for why he hadn’t written. He got sick, he got busy, he didn’t get their letters…</p><p>“Your eye! What happened to your eye!” PJ dropped his trunk in the compartment door, rushing over to get a better look at Chris’ black eye.</p><p>“I… I don’t know.” Was all he could say. How could he explain to PJ where he’d gotten a black eye?</p><p>“You didn’t write all summer, Chris Kendall. And now you’re returning with a black eye? What happened?” PJ pressed and Chris caved. He couldn’t keep this from him of all people, Dan or Phil maybe. But PJ? Never.</p><p>He told him everything, broke down and sobbed it out to his best friend. By the end, he was emotionally drained and fell asleep. He wasn’t sure if Dan or Phil joined them on that train ride, but he was certain he’d heard PJ talking to somebody else. He tried to remember details, but none came. Oh well, he had a whole year ahead of him to deal with still.</p><p>~</p><p>His black eye healed up nicely by the middle of the term, which was perfect. The professors had decided to throw a dance for all the students and Chris was determined not to let this golden opportunity escape him. Tonight, at the study session, I’ll tell him, he promised himself. It was perfect. It’d just be him and PJ. He could ask him to the dance, tell him what he’d realized the year before.</p><p>He sat down at their usual table in the library and opened his books, waiting for his friends. The minutes became hours, slowly but surely passing. It took Chris three hours to realize his friend wasn’t coming.</p><p>“Mr. Kendall, I’m sorry but I have to close the library.” Madam Pince, the librarian, told him as she walked by. Chris couldn’t even find it in himself to make a jokey reply. He packed all his books into his bag and returned to the Gryffindor dormitories.</p><p>He could feel his heart shattering into a million pieces, he had expected to be stood up by Dan and Phil eventually. They had always seemed to enjoy each other’s company rather than the company of other people, but PJ was his best friend. He had never stood him up. He’d always been there for him. So where was he tonight?</p><p>~</p><p>He got his answer the next day, when after their Care of Magical Creatures lesson, PJ caught up to him.</p><p>“Guess what I did last night!” PJ squealed and it took everything Chris had in him not to reply with a snarky remark about him missing their study session.</p><p>“What did you do?” Chris asked tiredly, looking around.</p><p>“I asked Sophie Newton to the dance, and she said yes! Can you believe it- Chris?”</p><p>Chris felt like his whole world was collapsing around him. He couldn’t see, he could barely breathe. His knees buckled and he fell to the ground. There was yelling and he felt arms wrap around him, but he couldn’t bring himself to answer the questions being thrown at him or to acknowledge anybody’s presence. He was too late. He could’ve had PJ, but he’d been too late.</p><p>~</p><p>Chris spent the next few days in the Hospital Wing. Madam Pomfrey had told him he’d had some sort of a panic attack. He refused to talk to her. Dan and Phil visited, they brought candy and told jokes. He refused to talk to them either. PJ didn’t come to visit at all. He didn’t even send a letter. Chris was released the morning of the dance. He decided not to go. He curled up in his bed in the Gryffindor dormitory and tried to remember why he was even doing all of this. For his parents? For PJ? Definitely not for himself.</p><p>The rest of the year, he attended classes, but he spoke to no one unless it was absolutely necessary. When the time finally came for him to take the train home, he found a different compartment and sat there. He couldn’t bring himself to talk or even look at PJ. There was so much he wanted to say but so much he knew he shouldn’t.</p><p>So, he kept it to himself. Because that had always worked before, right?</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Fifth Year</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>That was the worst summer of them all. He barely left his bed, he barely ate, he slept a lot. He pretended that he was okay. He told his parents he was okay, but he was certain they didn’t believe him. His friends wrote more letters but this time he didn’t even open them. He didn’t have the energy to get up and read them.</p><p>He tried to convince his parents to let him stay home for the year. He didn’t want to have to see PJ. He didn’t want to have to get up every morning and go to class. He didn’t feel like being a person.</p><p>But his parents insisted he go. They insisted getting out of the house was good for him and that school was going to be good for him. He didn’t see how either of those statements were true, but he allowed them to drag him back to Platform 9 ¾ for the 5th time in his life. He wrapped his arms around himself as he stepped onto the train, not sure if he should sit in their group compartment or find somewhere else to sit.</p><p>Finally, he got tired of waiting for some divine intervention to tell him what to do and walked to the group compartment. He sat down and looked out the window. He tried to remember how excited he’d been the first time he’d sat in this seat and looked out this window. He’d felt like the world was his oyster and he could go anywhere, do anything, be anything. Now he was a moody almost 15-year-old who’d had his heart crushed way too soon. Maybe what he’d felt for PJ was just a silly crush, but to him it had felt like so much more.</p><p>“I’m sorry, Chris.” PJ said softly as he sat down next to him on the compartment seat. He didn’t really understand what he’d done to make Chris so upset but he missed his best friend. Chris didn’t respond, just kept gazing out the window.</p><p>“What did you do this summer?” PJ asked, as though Chris wasn’t upset with him. As if they hadn’t spent the whole summer not talking. Chris shrugged, looking down at his lap.</p><p>“Did you get my ‘Get Well Soon’ card? I made it out of cardboard and stuff I found around the house. I thought it would cheer you up.” PJ fidgeted awkwardly. Dan and Phil slid the door open to their compartment and sat down across from them.</p><p>PJ shot Chris one last longing look before he turned to engage Dan and Phil in conversation. Chris let out a breath he didn’t even realize he’d been holding and turned back to the window, watching as they slowly began to pull out of the station.</p><p>“He still won’t talk to me...” PJ said.</p><p>I should’ve picked a different compartment, Chris thought.</p><p>~</p><p>On the morning of October 2nd, Chris woke up. It felt like any other day, except it wasn’t. It was the day he was turning 15. He rolled over in bed. It was a Saturday. He didn’t have to get up for classes at least. He could lay in bed and pity himself all weekend if he wanted to. There was nobody to stop him.</p><p>“Hey, Chris. Wake up. The boys you always hang out with are waiting outside the Portrait Hole for you. Something about a birthday surprise.” Felix hit him with a pillow and Chris sat up, rubbing his eyes.</p><p>“You look like shit man, put on some clothes and brush your teeth.” Felix wrinkled his nose and Chris smiled slightly. It was the first time he’d smiled since the beginning of fourth year. The action felt foreign on his face. He crawled out of bed, pulling some clothes out of his trunk. As he did so, something pricked him, and he pulled his hand back.</p><p>“Ow!” He cried out and Felix shot him a questioning look. Chris reached back into the trunk and pulled out the offender. The pin PJ had given him. He stared at it. He’d never worn it. He’d always found excuses in his head to justify why he couldn’t. It was too flashy, it would prick him, he wasn’t a fan of rocket ships…</p><p>He finished getting dressed, pinning the pin to his chest. He brushed his teeth and climbed down the stairs of the Gryffindor dormitory, crawling through the portrait hole to greet his friends on the other side.</p><p>“Happy Birthday, Chris!” Phil grabbed his arm. It was just Dan and Phil. He looked around, slightly hoping PJ would pop out from behind somewhere but he didn’t. He let Dan and Phil drag him out of the castle down to Hogsmeade, trying his best to keep up with their jovial banter. He briefly wondered where PJ was. Did he even know it was Chris’ birthday?</p><p>~</p><p>“One Butterbeer and then we can go into the joke shop, I promise.” Phil pulled him along towards the Three Broomsticks. Chris chuckled and let himself be pulled. He had to hand it to Dan and Phil, they’d really managed to plan the perfect birthday for him. Part him was more shocked then he should’ve been, he didn’t even realize Dan and Phil knew he was into most of these things.</p><p>Phil pushed the door open to the Three Broomsticks and Chris laughed at something Dan said.</p><p>“Surprise!” Before he could even process what was going on, he was tackled to the ground by a mop of curly brown hair. PJ pinned him to the floor of the tavern, laughing. Chris, caught up in the moment, laughed as well. “You thought your best friend would forget your birthday?”</p><p>As PJ climbed off of him and reached out to help him stand, Chris found himself forgetting the last year had even happened. He let himself be pulled to stand and pulled to a booth. PJ sat beside him, Dan and Phil across from them.</p><p>“Here’s your birthday present.” PJ slid a box across the table. Chris picked up the small box, looking up at PJ, who nodded, encouraging him to open it.</p><p>He opened the box slowly, wondering what to expect. In the box sat a lion pin, staring back at him.</p><p>“I noticed you didn’t really wear the rocket one a lot…So I thought I’d get one that fit you better. You really are a true Gryffindor, Chris. No matter what anybody else says. You’re the bravest guy I know.” PJ explained, taking the pin out and pinning it next to the rocket one on his shirt.</p><p>“That’s not saying much since most of the guys you know are sitting at this table.” Chris joked weakly and PJ smiled.</p><p>“It’s good to hear your voice again, Chris.”</p><p>Chris flushed, tucking the pin box in his pocket. This had to be the best birthday ever, hands down.</p><p>~</p><p>Dan and Phil slowly started attending more study sessions with them after that. The return of the study sessions and his old routine filled Chris with more happiness than it should have. Every morning he started to make it a ritual of pinning the lion pin to his uniform, right where PJ had pinned it that first time.</p><p>Little by little, Chris was coming to terms with the fact that PJ could never be his. He met Sophie, sometimes she attended their little study sessions and he couldn’t be happier for his best friend. That year as they rode the train home, Chris joined in with the conversation. It’d been so long since he hadn’t dreaded the train ride home that by the time the train pulled into Platform 9 ¾, he was almost disappointed he had to go.</p><p>“Keep in touch this summer, please.” PJ patted his back as they climbed off the train onto the platform.</p><p>“Of course.” Chris promised and for once in his life he felt like he didn’t have to lie to make somebody happy with him.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Sixth Year</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Chris responded to every letter PJ sent that summer, he couldn’t help himself. He didn’t know where his newfound positivity and surge of happiness had come from, but he never wanted it to leave. He still woke up every morning and followed his ritual of pinning the lion pin to his shirt.</p><p>He helped his parents with chores around the house, went for walks and had started pulling pranks on the neighbourhood kids, who were now mostly annoying party crazed teenagers. He hadn’t pulled a prank since he was 7 years old. He could tell his parents were relieved, they had their son back. Even though he wasn’t sure where he’d really gone. He missed Hogwarts more and more the longer summer seemed to stretch, he longed to be able to talk to PJ in person.<br/>He missed Dan and Phil and even Sophie. It’d been so long.</p><p>There was trouble brewing in the Wizarding World, Chris had peeked over his mother’s shoulder sometimes in the morning as she read the Daily Prophet, the wizarding newspaper. His parents were concerned about sending him back to Hogwarts for his last two years but he somehow managed to convince them he’d be fine.</p><p>The train platform seemed emptier this time when his parents dropped him off. He dragged his trunk up to their compartment, leaning against the window and looking out of it. PJ didn’t arrive early like he normally did. Dan and Phil sat across from Chris, smiling and greeting him. Slowly, the train started to pull away.</p><p>“Is PJ not coming?” Chris asked. Dan and Phil exchanged looks.</p><p>“Well… Uh. There’s a resistance rising of wizards who don’t exactly believe muggles or muggleborn students should be able to attend Hogwarts or practice magic.” Phil looked out the window.</p><p>“PJ and his family, along with a lot of other muggleborns and their families have gone into hiding.” Dan explained. </p><p>Chris thought about the fact that his letters with PJ had gotten very far and few in between as the school year had approached. He’d thought it’d been because PJ was busy getting ready for another school year, he would’ve never guessed it was because his best friend and his family was hiding from a threat.</p><p>“We’re actually even surprised you’re here.” Phil admitted sheepishly. “Halfbloods aren’t exactly in these people’s favours either.”</p><p>Chris scoffed at this. “I’m not missing out on years of my education just because some people I’ve never met say I shouldn’t be allowed to attend this school.”</p><p>Dan and Phil exchanged looks but the conversation ended there. There was a heavy cloud looming over the compartment now that they knew PJ wouldn’t be joining them. Chris was determined to not let this get him down.<br/>~</p><p>Hogwarts was missing a large portion of its student population and yet everybody kept going as if everything was normal. Chris ran across the school grounds catching up to Sophie who was walking alone, back to the castle.</p><p>“Hey.” He smiled and she smiled back. They walked in silence.</p><p>“Have you heard from him?” She asked finally. Chris reached into his pocket and pulled a letter out, handing it to Sophie. He was going to be selfish and keep it for himself. After all, PJ had said it would be his last one for a long time. But he had no right.</p><p>Sophie was his girlfriend. She deserved it more.</p><p>She took the letter from him gingerly.</p><p>“Keep it.” Chris looked up at the castle. “I don’t need it.”</p><p>Sophie and Chris walked beside each other, quiet for a few moments, enjoying each other’s company.</p><p>“I know you used to like him, Chris. It means a lot that you’re giving me this… We’ll be able to see him again soon. I know it.” Sophie tucked the letter into her cloak and hugged Chris. It was the first hug he’d gotten since his parents had hugged him on the platform. If PJ had been there, he would be getting hugs every week. He missed the brief physical contact.</p><p>“I’ve got to go, I’m late for class.” Chris said as he pulled away from her. She nodded and Chris ran ahead, as fast as he could. She didn’t need to know his afternoon classes had been cancelled and he was just too scared to cry in front of her. </p><p>~</p><p>“They’re closing the school next year.” Phil had his hands in his pockets. Dan and Chris walked on either side of him. “I heard my head of house mention it this morning…” </p><p>Chris nodded slowly. “I heard that too… I’m not just going to sit at home and wait for this all to pass, though. I’m going to get out there and help. I have to. For him.”</p><p>“Chris, he wouldn’t want you to endanger your life for him.” Dan said gently.</p><p>“I’m not. I’m being what he wants me to be. Brave, courageous. I’m going to help people I’m going to help him. And on the other end of this war, he’s going to be so proud of me. You all will. I feel like I’m useless all the time, Dan. This is my one chance to stop feeling like that.” He said determinedly.</p><p>Dan and Phil exchanged looks before hugging Chris.<br/>“We’re going to miss you so much.” Phil mumbled.</p><p>“Just… be careful.” Dan added.</p><p>“Chris ‘Careful’ Kendall. It’s my middle name.” Chris joked weakly.</p><p>The three of them climbed the steps back to the castle to spend their last night at Hogwarts for who knows how long.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. ??? Year (s)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Chris didn’t return to his family home that summer. It would’ve been too much for him and he knew his parents would try to make him stay. He couldn’t stay, not while there was work that had to be done. None of the official law enforcement groups would take him since he was still basically a kid and he refused to wait until his 17th birthday to start helping.</p><p>Some people were starting resistances though and anybody could join those, as long as you had a wand and knew how to use it. For a while, he wasn’t allowed to participate in missions but when he finally got out on the field, it was more than he’d ever hoped for. He felt free. He felt like he had a purpose.</p><p>Of course, it wasn’t long before he messed it all up for himself. While on a mission where he was attempting to infiltrate as a spy, somebody sensed something wasn’t right with him and he ended up being locked up.</p><p>He kept hoping that maybe the people he was working with would come find him when they realized he was missing. He paced the dark cold floor, using the lion pin as his anchor to reality. He missed his parents, he missed Dan and Phil, he missed Sophie… He missed PJ.</p><p>Now here he was, wandless, trapped in some prison, probably waiting for his doom. He wondered if they’d even find him if he died here. He closed his eyes, trying to picture anything but the dark cold walls and floors that surrounded him but all that came to mind every time he did so was PJ.</p><p>There had to be a way out, he thought, crawling back to the bars. He’d already tried to pick the lock with his pin but of course, it hadn’t worked. The bars were locked with magic… If only he had his wand. He wondered how long he’d been trapped under here for.<br/>He wouldn’t know until he got out.</p><p>~</p><p>It was so cold, and Chris just wanted to sleep. Sleep was all he had on his mind these days. He yawned as he curled in on himself. </p><p>“This one!” A voice shouted and Chris felt like he should shout to let them know he was here or something. He heard the yelling of a spell, the door swung open. He was helped to his feet.<br/>“What’s your name, sir?” One of the voices asked. Chris laughed softly. Sir? He’d never been called a sir before.</p><p>“Chris.” He finally managed to croak out. They relayed the information to somebody else and Chris closed his eyes. He needed to sleep. He didn’t know how he knew this; he just did.</p><p>I’ll go see PJ when I wake up, he promised himself as he fell asleep. That seemed like a good plan.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Two Years Later</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“He’s waking up!”</p><p>Chris groaned as he woke up, eyes opening slightly. It was so bright. Why was it so bright? Where was he? He rubbed his head, looking around as his eyes came into focus. </p><p>“Mom? Dad?” He asked, slightly confused. They were the first people he’d seen upon waking up but now, looking around, he realized they weren’t the only ones.</p><p>“Dan? Phil? Sophie… PJ?” Everything came rushing back to him suddenly and with full force. He tried to stand but was immediately pushed back into the bed.</p><p>“PJ, what’re you doing here? You should be hiding. And I need to get out there…” He struggled against PJ’s hands holding him down. The slightly taller boy tried his best to calm his best friend down.</p><p>“Chris. Chris. Calm down, the war is over. It has been for two years. You’re 19 years old now, you don’t have to do anything. Everything’s already been done.” He soothed him. Two years? That would explain why everybody looked so different, Chris relaxed slightly.</p><p>“I just wanted to help PJ…”</p><p>“And you did. But you’re also an idiot because we almost lost you. I thought I did. We had a funeral for you, Chris. We couldn’t find your body anywhere. We just assumed… You never told anyone where you were going…” PJ told him, pulling his hands away.</p><p>“Why’d you do it?” His father asked and Chris shook his head, wincing slightly at the throbbing it caused.</p><p>“It doesn’t matter why, what matters is he’s alive and he’s never doing that again.” PJ looked at his friend with pleading eyes.</p><p>“Of course not.” Chris groaned. “You think I enjoyed being locked up for two years?”</p><p>~</p><p>“Is that it? That’s all you remember?” PJ asked, slightly disappointed.</p><p>“My memory’s so hazy, Peej. I don’t remember most of what happened. I’m sorry. It’s probably way too choppy and nonsensical to even put into something coherent. I just… That’s all I remember.” Chris looked up at his friend from where he sat, leaning against the couch on the floor.</p><p>PJ sighed, looking down at the notebook in front of him and shaking his head, shutting it and pushing it to the side. He moved to sit by his best friend, wrapping his arm around him.</p><p>“You didn’t need to prove anything to me, you know? I already knew you were the bravest one out of us.”</p><p>“I wasn’t proving it to you, Peej. I was proving it to myself.”</p><p>“And?”</p><p>“I guess you’re right.”</p><p>“It feels good to hear you say that.”</p><p>“Shut up.”</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>